Thursday, May 22, 2008

What? or better yet....... WHO?

I am in a state of confusion. My brain is muddled. What do I want to be when I grow up? Maybe the better question is WHO do I want to be? When I was young, that question seemed simple—a singer or a lady truck driver (thank you ”BJ and the Bear”). Where did those dreams go? Well, I sang in church all through high school then I slowly faded out of it. I recently have sung Christmas concerts with the local Chorale but twenty years of neglect has really done a number on my voice. Where I once was a top 1st soprano, I now struggle to sing second and secretly consider converting to alto. As for the lady truck driver, I can’t even back up my minivan so I think an eighteen wheeler is totally out of the question.

Once out of college, I poured myself into the corporate world. My goal then was to be the VP of quality for a medical device or pharmaceutical company. I was young…..ambitious……stupid. A few years later, I got married and the long hours and travel I was doing wasn’t much fun anymore.

Then I had children and my whole world changed. At first, I just wanted to keep working to have that “grownup” contact and I still enjoyed what I did. Now, I just want to be home. I can’t keep up with the house and the Hubby and the children and the Piper dog. I sit at work thinking of all the things I could be doing if I was anywhere but there. Don’t get me wrong. I have a good job. I make a difference for people with what I do. I have a great boss…..which is VERY difficult to come by. I make good money. But still……..I’m not happy.

I’m working on a home business that could really explode for me and eventually be my own boss…..but even with the prospect of leaving my daily 9-5 behind and working for, well, ME, I still lack motivation to achieve this.

Maybe it’s a midlife crisis hitting just a tad early. Maybe it’s a dash of depression sneaking in here. Maybe I’ve just not found my sweet spot in life.

So WHO do I want to be?

--a really good Mama who has the time and energy to spend with her children, and has the patience to help them work through their developmental phases which are wreaking havoc in our home.

--a really good Wife who has the time to keep the house kept up, who doesn’t harbor bitter resentment against her Hubby for what he does………or doesn’t do, who can forgive and forget.

--a really good Woman who takes the time to indulge in the things she enjoys like writing and photography and growing her business.

Now, how do I do this?

3 comments:

Momo Fali said...

I have no idea. But, if you get it figured out, please share the process with me!

Kim said...

Momo said just what i was going to!

I think we all struggle with this type of stuff. When I was working all I wanted was time to be home with my husband and kids. Now that I am home all the time I just want some time away. I don't know that there is such a thing as total happiness.

Kim @ TheBitterBall

Laurie said...

There's something so unashamedly honest about this post. I think the first step towards your goal is just figuring out who/what you want to be. And you've done that. Now you can move on to step #2. Don't know how many steps there are but you're ahead of me at this point. ;)